Welcome!

What does it mean for an atheist Jew to declare Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour? What does it mean for the branch of an olive tree that has been cut off from that tree to be grafted back in (Romans 11.23-24)? This blog will seek to answer those questions.

Judaism and Christianity

In his Letter to the Romans, Paul wrote of the possibility of both Jews and Gentiles finding salvation in Christ. Paul knew what he was writing about, for he himself was a Jew who through God's grace had come to know Jesus. Jesus was born and died a devout Jew, and all of Jesus' earliest followers were Jews. The Evangelists drew heavily on their understanding of Hebrew scripture in writing the Gospels, and the very heart of the Gospel—that Jesus is the only son of God, sent by God to suffer, die on the Cross, and rise again so that we may be saved from our sins—makes no sense without the Jewish theological context from which it arose.

The Jewish heritage fills and enriches Christianity, but for many centuries was ignored or downright suppressed. Jews were held to be collectively responsible for the Crucifixion, despite the fact that Jesus himself and all of this followers were also Jews. (It would be more accurate to say that the 1st-century Jewish elite—members of the Pharisaic and priestly classes—were responsible for Jesus' death, insofar as his message was a threat to the socio-religious status quo.) Over the centuries, many Jews suffered at the hands of people who called themselves Christians. One of the many ways in Jews were made to suffer for their alleged misdeeds were through forced conversion to Christianity. (How can someone be forced to convert, when true conversion can only be brought about through God's grace, a gift he imparts however he likes to Jew and Gentile alike?) As a result, many Jews even today are deeply mistrustful of Christian efforts to convert Jews—and even spontaneous Jewish conversion (without evangelical outreach) to Christianity.

Finding God

I am a Jew* who affirms that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour. Nobody evangelized to me—in fact, when I was younger, I despised anyone who preached that to be saved, one needed to believe the Gospel. My mother is an atheist, and I did not believe in God—not even the Jewish conception of God, let alone Jesus Christ as the Son of God!—right up through my teenage years. I went to a secular Jewish Sunday school (yes, Sunday school), where I learned, for example, of Moses' deliverance of the Jews from Egypt, but all the stories I learned were completely stripped of any reference to God. Moses was simply an ancient version of Gandhi, not someone appointed by God to deliver his Chosen People and give them the Torah. On top of all this, I was a cynical and skeptical child, and deeply mistrusted anyone who professed any kind of religious belief.

Despite this religiously impaired background, Jesus started calling to me when I was 17. I didn't even understand what was happening at first—God spoke to me in a dream, but I didn't even know it was God, for example (more on that in another post)—but slowly, I started reading the Bible, praying, and inexplicably, believing in God. This went on for years, but it was a struggle. I went through periods of faith and doubt, strong and weak belief. I did not understand the Gospel message—that Jesus died on the Cross for our sins—although I wanted to. I could only conceive of Jesus as a gifted teacher. I thought of myself as a Christian—I read the Gospels and went to Church every Sunday—but the faith that God was nurturing within me was at really more Jewish than Christian, though with a fairly open-minded attitude towards Jesus.

In hindsight, going through a "Jewish" phase was probably necessary. How could I embrace Christ when I didn't even understand the religion that was the common heritage of both him and me? But ultimately, the well ran dry. I could only nurture for so long a faith in God that did not understand Jesus as the Son of God. I felt no compulsion to follow the 613 laws of the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament), but without understanding Paul's doctrine of salvation through grace, I knew there was no intellectual or theological basis for claiming belief in God but not following his laws. On top of it all, remember that I was coming into all this from an atheistic background. I had a natural inclination to not believe in God at all! So for over 18 years from when Jesus first called me till now, I struggled and struggled with my faith. Over time, I couldn't imagine living without God, yet I couldn't figure out how to live with God!

Accepting Jesus Christ

Two years ago, God revealed the mystery of the Cross to me. Through a dream and the events that led up to the it and followed it, I finally began to understand the nature of Christ's suffering and dying as atonement for our sins. Then a year ago, a Bible study group I was participating in studied the [Book of/Letter to the] Hebrews. God showed me the full significance of Christ's being crucified for our sins, as it was grounded in ancient Jewish concepts of atonement through sacrifice. Despite all this, I wasn't yet fully ready to accept Jesus.

About a year ago, my wife (who was also not born into a Christian household and who also struggles with her faith) and I found a wonderful church to attend right in our own neighbourhood. We started attending services there every week, and participating in weekly Bible study classes. Our pastor spent most of this winter—apart from Christmas-related services—preaching on Paul's Letter to the Romans, Chapters 9 to 11. Now, I had long struggled with Paul's letters. In fact, in almost decades of Bible reading, I'd read through the entire Torah (the Pentateuch, the Five Books of Moses) Joshua, Job, all four Gospels, Acts, Revelation, and smatterings of other books, and yet never been able to finish even a single one of Paul's letters. I just couldn't understand his theology—I couldn't get where he was coming from. Even going through all but the penultimate sermon in the series, I couldn't really dig what this (Romans 9 to 11) was all about, except it had something to do with the relationship between Christians and Jews.

Meanwhile, I was falling further and further into sinfulness. No, nothing really horrible or scandalous, but that was my problem—because I hadn't done anything really bad, I thought I wasn't an inherently sinful person. Without acknowledging my sinfulness, of course, it was impossible for me to make the necessary leap and ask God to forgive me for my sins. Anyhow, my sin was selfishness. (It still is my sin, but at least I'm aware of it now and trying to change my life so that I am not a slave to it.) I was self-absorbed. I was always doing my own thing. I didn't pay attention to my wife. I never wanted to do the things she wanted to do. I never wanted to do anything to help her out or make her life easier. It's like I was determined to make her regret marrying me! Meanwhile, I figured if I could only have a strong faith in God, I would become a changed man. Then I would be a better husband. The problem was, I kept on putting off trying to find God. I'll do it tomorrow, I would keep on telling myself.

Things finally came to a head two and a half weeks ago. First, our pastor preached on Romans 11, Verses 16 to 24. The crux of this passage—and especially of his wonderful sermon—is that Jews are just as entitled to salvation—no more, no less—than Gentiles. We can all be children in Christ's family. My grandmother and mother rejected God and therefore turned our bloodline away from the faith of our ancestors, but God could graft me back in to the natural olive tree of my own ancestral faith—with the added affirmation of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, since he is the Messiah, the natural completion of the faith of my ancestors, the faith of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. (Actually, shortly before she died, even my resolutely atheist Grandmother took up a course or two in comparative religion, though I don't know if she actually turned to God or not. After she passed away, we discovered she had a Jerusalem Bible, books about the Bible, and even the writings of St. Theresa Avila!)

For the first time, it made perfect sense to me that I should be a Christian. Calling myself a Christian had always felt somewhat unnatural to me. I had always felt like an outsider in Church, since I as a Jew had a very different background from all the Gentiles around me. (It helps that the church we go to now is very multi-ethnic, with as many Asians as Caucasians.) Meanwhile, remember that my non-spiritual life was falling apart. My wife hated me for my self-absorption—I was so wrapped up in myself that I was actually completely oblivious to it!—and we basically stopped even talking to each other.

Things had come to a head, and I saw no way forward. My life and marriage were falling apart. I wanted to get close to God—and for the first time in my life, had found a community where I would feel comfortable doing that—but I didn't know how to go about it. I was lost. One week ago today, I took the first step and prayed to accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. Despite years of praying to God and even to Jesus, I had never actually accepted Jesus. At first, I didn't feel any different. But the next night, my wife and I went to an evening prayer and worship service at our Church. After the hymns had all been sung and it was time for individual prayer, I started praying. I prayed for Jesus to forgive my sins, but at first, it was just empty words. But gradually, a strong feeling came over me, and I started to feel more and more strongly how sinful I had truly been throughout my life, and how much I really, truly needed God to forgive me for my sins. I started sobbing uncontrollably. Someone came over to hold my hand and pray with me. Someone else was holding me. I couldn't stop crying! I didn't feel contrite enough sitting in the chair praying, so I got down on the floor. By the time the prayer session was over, I was bent over, crying, in a fetal position. The Holy Spirit had come into me.

Receiving the Holy Spirit

I was born again—reborn in the Holy Spirit. I had never understood what "born again" meant. In fact, I deeply mistrusted anyone who claimed to be "born again." And yet, here I was, born again. Instantaneously, Paul made sense. I got where he was coming from. The Gospel of John makes sense—more Biblical writing that I had long had trouble understanding. For the first time in my life, I had no doubt that God had been working all these many years to save me, and that salvation had come through Jesus Christ. This atheist found God, and this Jew found Christ.

I am still getting used to writing as someone who once and for all has found salvation in Jesus Christ. I am still trying to find my new footing. In the days and weeks to come, I will use this blog to explore various aspects of my faith journey. What does becoming a Christian mean for a Jew? What does it mean for an atheist? Why did God call me? What is he calling me to do? As unworthy as I am, what spiritual gifts has he given me to carry out whatever ministry he wants me to carry out? I will also explore the process involved in becoming a member of my church, as my wife's Korean pastor at the church (during whose prayer and worship service the Holy Spirit visited me) has invited me to become baptized.

Wherever you are on your faith journey—even if like I once was you are an avowed atheist—welcome. No matter what your religion may be, welcome. I will not use this blog to preach what you should believe, especially when I myself am such a neophyte in the family of Christ. Truth be told, I have far more questions than answers at this point! Anyhow, for most of my life, Christian evangelists pushed me away from Christ—through no fault of their own, mind you, but because I wasn't ready to hear what they were saying, and coming from such a different cultural-religious-philosophical background, I couldn't relate to their message. If you feel that God has been calling you, however, and you are struggling with this as I did for so many years—or you feel that you are ready to accept God—or you are wracked by doubt—perhaps I can help you in some small way, although you should not take me to be any kind of authority on the matter. Ultimately, I can only speak with authority on the basis of my own faith experience, and your experience with God may very well be quite different from mine.

Praise be to Jesus.

---

*Actually, I'm half Jewish. My mother is Jewish, and my father is Christian. According to Jewish law, however, because my mother is Jewish, I'm fully Jewish, even though she's an atheist. Plus I received some secular Jewish cultural education through my Mom, but never anything on the Christian side from my Dad, who although nominally Christian is agnostic and has probably never attended a church service since well before I was born. So it's easier just to say I was raised Jewish! (Back to article)